iI will tell you a little what is in my heart if you would like to take a peek inside. I am thinking business. B U S I N E S S .
There are many coaches out there who calls for my attention these days. They all want to help me making my business bloom, they say. They are the Experts. And yes, I do want to make my business thrive. I do not want to be dependent on that extra job I have any more. I believe I do already have quite some knowledge of how to do. Atleast to start with. And I also know that there is much knowledge I lack when it comes to the actual moneymaking. I am just not interrested enough in the money itself, I guess.
But I have a hard time believing that any one of those coaches really could help me. Because I believe I would be standing there between her and my own wellbeing waving with my arms, shouting and preventing myself from reaching everything I could. From reaching all that good that is awaiting for me — and for my tribe, right around the corner. I can picture myself how I would be standing there nagging over and over, as the poor coach and the poor me would be trying to get some work done, "I am not passionate enough to do this!", or "I just lack the energy to do it". "I am too tired". Or (and this is the saddest thing) I would probably be standing there shouting; "I am not worth it..." And the poor coach would eventually just give in, face the impossible situation, and run off.
Yet I know in my heart of hearts that I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE with to this world. And really, really I wish I could do it more than I do. And honestly, I wish that I could earn my living on it. And to earn a better living that I have today. But the truth is also that I do feel very tired. I am tired in my soul... And yet I know that if I did reach out to get connected, that would give me motivation and energy.
How strange doesn't that sound?
...to make things I wish to look at. As I sit here at the table with my cup of Robios, I enjoy the company of my painting. It is not ready, but the dark lasur I've put on in some places is definitely taking it in the right direction. I deeply disliked it before today. But some friends that saw it on Instagram gave me kind (undeserved) feedback wich trigged me to keep painting. I wanted to do it good for them.
I am having a paus. And a cup of tea. My paintings are right here in front of me. Keeping me company. Whispering small hints to me, revealing what to do. And... sooner or later I will get there!
Today I put a new color on top of an area I had painted previously. And the painting became beautiful! At the moment this is the painting that I like the best of the ones I've painted here. And I am playing casually with a few other boards.
Color has always been a mystery and a desire of mine. I feel I am more and more learning how to conquer them; those interresting combinations. What I do is - I look at pictures that inspire my color-fantasy. I get impulses this way - and it works really well.
But they are all in war with one another.
My task is to make pease between them.
Something has to dramatically change here! But what and how?And, when it is ready it should look simpel. It should look like "of course"!
Well, I was. Now I am sitting down again thinking and writing on this blog. I am thinking - when it comes to art making - there is an important difference between thinking and listening to ones inner voice.
Listening requires peace and silence and contemplation. And that is just what my paintings needs in order to come alive. (Surely thinking also has its place in art making. But that I will not think of now).
As I was standing here, looking at my painting of Mark Chagalls beautiful face, I was thinking hard. What shall I do with it? What is the next step? But then I got this piffany:
Now I will get the practical things ready to paint and then I will see what happens.
What you have just read makes sence to me in this moment. I will see later on as I reread this text, if it still does :-)
I look in the almanack and see this is on the day a month I have been here painting. Maybe I go here like three times a week. Am not sure. And I am not sure for how long I stay each time. But I feel I can stay here for ever, every time!
In average I have finished two paintings a week. They are small; 30cm x 35cm.
Above painting feels finished now. I painted a solid dark area on the right side. I notice that the smooth and solid area looks good next to the blurry, vivid surface on her shoulder. And I sanded the left eye a little.
I love yellow.
And I loved my working day, yesterday.
And I would love seeing this painting BIG. Yes, that would be cool.
You know, I think these three paintings look alright next to each other. Yesterday, it was not possible to view them together. I have found that it seems as the more I work with my paintings, the more they sort of, merge to join one another in some sort of unity.
Emma with the violin, her man, and a few others and I practiced Christmas charols. We stood in a circle in the room outside of where I paint. It is a room with nice acoustic.
Since I got home yesterday I have been wanting to get back into the studio and correct a couple of things on two paintings. I knew what I wanted to do. On the painting above I should change the yellow on her left side into a slightly green. And I would paint a thin, white wash over the face (as on the painting below) and then rub the white paint of at the darkest spots.
After the singing, I showed Oscar and Maria my painting haven. They were all in aw for the room and the the ambience in it. In the same time I made myself ready to do those little changes on the paintings...I got my colors out. Poured water into the bucket and started - in the same time as I was talking with the people. Yes, they were nice. But having them in there at that time when I was about to paint, stirred up my inner self.
I learned something today.
My painting did not improve today.
A magnificent Swedish artist in New York! On TV I heard him describe how it could take him days to work out a composition. And in his paintings one really can see that that has payed of! The compositions are indeed intriguing! And he, himself is an interresting and devoted person who I would love getting to know!
I admire Alexander's art. But I would not like to paint like him (even if I could), because this is not me. Barbara is much more me. But I would chase him if I was a gallerist and beg him to exhibit at my place!
I looked at Barbara's paintings and noticed that the backgrounds of them; the surface where she begins her drawings, that they are not just white. They seem often to be roughly painted (you can see the strokes) with a little dirty whites in it. Some yellowish in it. So, pretending being Barbara, I did so too.
Oh, I want to show you a picture of the house in which I work. Here it is!
"My" window is on the second floor, behind that left window. Between the two right hand windows is the big room where people may sit together. They do so, the architects, at 8.30 every morning. Sit there around the big table, drink coffee, eat bread, butter and cheese and chat. It is a really nice gang! I got a cup too, and bread brought today by their friend, the smith; Arne.
I believe people paint from different states of minds. Some work the best when they are furious. So not with me. I need pease. When there is pease in me, I can feel joy. A quiet kind of joy. That sutes me!
However, I do like bold paintings very much :-)
Meta Isaeus-Berlin makes bold paintings. She is the one who sais that the most important in creating art, is to be listening to ones inner voice. (I believe her). When there is pease in me, I can hear that voice.
I painted gently yesterday and today. Inside of me felt like welvet. I was home!
painting in process
What I mean by not agreeing to "being bold" is that I do not want to be pushed. To be forced.
Every Tuesday morning Leona is offering Yoga here at Norrtuna and people are bringing her little gifts in return for doing it. She is gentle and kind and makes me feel special. Almost like a princess.
Today, after yoga, I took my bike to the Järna center. I passed the old church and opened up the door to the beautiful, red house which once was a school. I steped inside and up the stairs. Up there works a bunch of real nice architects. But I didn't go into them.
Instead, I turned left and walked through the meeting room.
Then I opened up the door from there into a crowded, yet very cosy room full of easels, with a couple of desks and with walls all full of paintings.
In here I can now paint.
I share it with some other artists.
I will be trying it out for three months.
The others are not there very often. It was so quiet and so peaceful.
I was also relaxed after doing the yoga with Leona.
This time I started to paint twelve boards white for me to have something to paint on. Maybe I should also start drawing some. Maybe. But after I had drawn one, I drew another one, and yet another one. I drew on four boards! And I used Leonas Facebook-picture as inspiration for all four. And then... then I started painting.
After some time, I needed to go to the bathroom. (I had drunk lots of water) But, oh-oh!, the doors down to the stairs were locked and the nice architects were gone. I was locked in all alone. I couldn't get out. That was OK though, fine with me! because I really liked my working space next to the church.
And I painted.
After a couple of hours one architect came back, and he kindly taught me all the hints on how to get out, if ever this was to happen again.
But I will soon have my own key :-)